How to praise your child so they keep trying

Praise what your child did, not who they are. "You tried a new way when the first one didn't work" tells a child what to do next time. "You're so smart" sounds kind. But in a well-known set of studies, kids praised for being smart coped worse with the next failure than kids praised for effort.^[1]

Keep praise specific. Keep it honest. Don't blow it up. That is most of the advice in one line.

Below you will find what the research found, where later studies disagreed, and words to try with kids from 3 to 12. You don't need a special program. The kitchen table and the drive home are enough.

Praise the work, not the child

Researchers sort praise into two kinds. Person praise is about who the child is: "You're so smart," "You're a natural," "Good girl." Process praise is about the work: the effort, the plan, the choice to keep going.

Both feel nice in the moment. The difference shows up later, when something gets hard.

In 1998, Claudia Mueller and Carol Dweck ran six studies with fifth graders. First, the kids solved easy problems. Some were praised for being smart. Others were praised for their effort. Then everyone got harder problems.^[1]

After that failure, the kids praised for being smart kept going for less time. They enjoyed the task less and did worse. They were also more likely to say that intelligence is fixed.^[1]

A 1999 study tried this with younger kids, aged 5 and 6, using role play. Kids who heard praise or criticism about themselves gave up more easily after a later setback. Some blamed themselves. Kids who heard feedback about the process did better.^[6]

The authors' point: even kind words about the person can teach a child that their worth depends on how well they do.^[6]

Does this happen at home, too? One study filmed 53 families at home, 90 minutes at a time. Parents who gave more process praise to kids aged 14 to 38 months had kids who, at 7 to 8 years, were more likely to believe ability can grow.^[7]

This was a small study. It shows a link, not proof that praise caused the change. Also, early person praise was not linked to fixed beliefs later.^[7]

Be specific and honest

Say exactly what you saw. A big 2002 review found that praise is not always good or always bad. It helps most when kids believe it is honest.^[2]

It also helps when it points to things a child can control, gives them a sense of choice, and sets goals they can reach. It works better without comparing them to other kids.^[2] The review also said age, gender and culture can change how praise lands.^[2]

Specific praise does most of this on its own. "Good job" is fine, but it tells a child nothing new. "You checked your answer by counting again" names a step they can use again. Specific praise is also hard to fake, so kids are more likely to believe it.

• Name the action: "You sounded out every letter in that long word."
• Name the plan: "Drawing a picture first helped you see the problem."
• Name the choice to keep going: "You were upset, and you came back to it anyway."
• Skip the comparison: "You read faster than your cousin" makes the cousin the goal, not the reading.

Go easy on huge praise

Match your words to what really happened. Many of us turn praise up when a child seems unsure. A 2014 set of studies found just that. Adults were more likely to give huge praise, like "You made an incredibly beautiful drawing!", to kids with low self-esteem.^[3]

It may backfire. In one experiment from the same paper, huge praise made kids with low self-esteem less likely to pick a hard task next. It had the opposite effect on kids with high self-esteem.^[3]

The authors think very high praise can feel like a very high bar. A child who already doubts themselves may avoid the risk of falling short.

This does not mean you should hold back warmth. "I love the colors you picked for the sky" is kind and easy to believe. "That's the best drawing in the world" is hard to live up to.

What to say after a mistake

Talk about the step, not the child. Mistakes are where praise habits matter most. In the 1999 study, the kids who struggled most after a setback had heard feedback about themselves as a person. That was true for praise and for criticism.^[6] Feedback about the process gave them something to work with.

Be careful with "Don't worry, you're just not a math person." It is meant as comfort. But it is person feedback in disguise. It tells a child the problem is them, and that nothing can change it.

What happened to growth mindset?

Use process praise, but don't expect miracles. Process praise is tied to the idea of a "growth mindset". That means believing abilities can grow with work. The idea became hugely popular in schools. Later research made the picture more modest.

In 2019, a team repeated the 1998 praise study as closely as they could. They tested 624 Chinese children aged 9 to 13. They did not find the same effects. Kids' mindsets were not linked to how they bounced back from failure, or to their grades.^[8]

A 2018 pair of large reviews (meta-analyses) looked at two questions. How linked are mindsets and school results? And do mindset programs raise grades? Both effects were weak overall.^[4]

There is a hopeful side. A national US experiment with 12,490 ninth graders tested a short online lesson. It was two sessions of about 25 minutes, teaching that abilities can be developed.^[9]

So why keep using process praise? It costs nothing. It is more honest than labels. And it gives kids information they can use.

Telling a child what worked is useful, whether or not it changes what they believe about their brain. Just don't expect it to transform report cards on its own.

Phrases to try, by age

These are starting points, not scripts. Use your own words, in whatever language your family speaks at home.

Older kids can spot empty praise fast, so being specific and honest matters even more. It is also fine to say "That didn't go well." Just make the next sentence about what to try.

We built Tala the same way. Lessons cheer for trying and good thinking, not for being smart. A wrong answer never gets "Wrong!", only "Not quite. Here's the trick." You can see how Tala works for kids 3 to 12.

This guide is general information for parents, not medical or professional advice. Spotted an error? Email us from the report page.